I should trust what's deep inside.

So I made a plan to read through Romans, one chapter a day (excluding Sundays) until I move out. I randomly picked the book and had no idea that there would be exactly enough chapters & days, and once I set out my plan I got reallly excited! I love reading and I've been so distracted lately I definitely need something to keep me grounded.

Well, I started this adventure on Monday and naturally I am already behind. ): But last night I was feeling a bit bummed out and decided to go to sleep early. I got a call from a really good, close friend very early this morning. She said something alone lines of, "Aarika, I feel God in me. He's inside of me, I know it." I was speechless not only because I was still half asleep but also because that sounds amazing. What does that mean? What does that feel like? Have I ever felt what she's feeling? I want to feel that.

She let me go back to sleep and we hung up. I felt so confused and consumed with questions. I laid in bed thinking of everything imaginable and felt really convicted that I hadn't been helping her in any way find God or make sense of anything she's been faced with as she's making an effort to start a life with Christ. I love her more than anyone and I would do anything for her and I have left her alone to wander (and wonder.) While I'm feeling like crap for forgetting my friend I suddenly remember that I have forgotten about my reading, too. It's now really early on Saturday and I've only done Romans 1 & 2. So I crawled out of bed and read through Romans 3.

All I can say is OUCH.

Romans 3:10-18 (CSB)

as it is written:

There is no one righteous, not even one;

there is no one who understands,

there is no one who seeks God.

All have turned away,

together they have become useless;

there is no one who does good,

there is not even one.

Their throat is an open grave;

they deceive with their gongues.

Vipers' venom is under their lips.

Their mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.

Their feet are swift to shed blood;

ruin and wretchednes are in their paths,

and the path of peace they have not know.

There is no fear of God before their eyes.

Romans 3:32

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

That goes pretty deep and every time I read it I just think.. wow, I suck! I am so selfish and ungrateful! God I don't deserve anything you could ever offer and you give me everything. You are crazy!

But the story here gets better. Romans 3:24-25 reminds me that "[I am] justified freely by His grace throught he redemption that is Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a propitiation (an offering of atonement) through faith in His blood, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His restraint God passed over the sins previously committed."

WHOA! God is really crazy in love with me. Even though I fail at being humble and loving and nice every day and I do wrong things, every day God says, it's OK! I am justified freely by His grace. Jesus is a propitation because he removed God's wrath from us. IT'S GONE. So why don't I feel this? Why do I let it all still sit there and bother me. Its the past and Jesus made a way for everything I do wrong to be passed over, removed, let go, forgotten, forgiven, justified. It's gone. God knows that I will always fall short of His glory. The Bible clearly says that.

I guess what's hard for me is that I don't understand justification. I justify the things I do every day.. in a bad way. Well 55 isn't that far over the speed limit. 15 more minutes of sleep, I won't be late. I'll do that tomorrow because I want to do this now. I need this because..... They just keep coming! But the justification Paul is writing about is soo different from what I think about. One that is more difficult to understand. How does this work? Why does He do this? How do I know? Now I've just confused myself and I still don't know whether to be sad because God just told me I suck or to be happy because by His grace I've been given another chance. So I decided to sleep on it.

When I woke up I decided to take another look at it. I crawled out of bed to sit where I always sit to read and I grab my Bible that I had left open and notice the page has been turned. Romans 8:1 is highlighed on this page. "Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus."

There's my answer. I've read all these things before and I love it when you look at them again and they make just a little bit more sense. My friend needs to know these things. But how do I show her and help her when I'm still learning these things myself? I have to constantly remind myself when it comes to my faith that I'm really not that far along. I've been running hard towards a life with Christ for a year now and I feel so obligated to help and show others but I need help and guidance myself. So often I like to think, I've got this, I can keep this discipline and I'll remember and I know... no. It obviously shows when Monday I was so excited to read through Romans and here it is 6 days later and I'm 3 chapters behind.

I feel so jealous of my friend that in 5 hours of driving around feeling God, she totally understands how to be compassionate and the full force of God's love for her and for others. I know what she felt and I've felt it too. I've experienced a late night of fear and hope in the presence of my Father who let me see and feel what love truely is, but where am I now? Where have I gone? How did I get so far away? When did I get lost? Where did I take a wrong turn? Why isn't He guiding me? Why hasn't He sent people to help me? Why am I so stubborn? When will I learn? Why do I doubt?

I feel stupid that something so basic to the Christian faith has got me so stumped still but I think I needed to look back on it and really reflect and learn. I have to learn to let go and let God. Not just say it and think it but truely do it.

Truth: I'm terrified... LET'S GO!

I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

(romans 8:38-39 message)

See, I'm no king, I wear no crown.

But desperate times seem over now.

But I still weaken somehow. It tears me apart.

I hope to learn as time goes by,

that I should trust what's deep inside..

burning bright. Oh, burning bright.

my sensible heart.

-city and colour.